This article was first published by Women Writers, Women’s Books on December 11, 2019. Click here to read the original post.
First, I should disclose that I am an artist and writer that has spent the last five years creating art with a purpose. And that purpose is to engage people with thoughts, ideas, and perspectives of how female identifying individuals engage in sex and sexuality. It is my personal belief that women can only be truly equal in society when they own and control their sex and sexuality. It is through this lens that I am writing this piece.
When I started writing fiction about sex and sexuality, I wanted to find a community of like-minded writers who could help me improve my craft and also be a sounding board for the ideas and concepts I explored in my fiction. I attended writing workshops, got involved with groups focused on the empowerment of women, joined sex-positive communities, and became a regular participant in reading circles. I have read, listened to, and discussed a great deal of women’s erotic fiction in the past few years and learned much about how women think, feel, and write about their sexual experiences, fantasies, and desires. When I would step out of these communities into more mainstream circles, I would realize how far we, as women, still have to go in this area.
Unfortunately, society, for the most part, is not comfortable with the notion that sex and sexuality can, and should, be a part of a woman’s everyday life. But my work as an artist and a writer has given me the opportunity to meet so many women who tell me that they wish there were more books, articles, art, film, or resources that speak openly about how women desire, experience, and explore sex and sexuality. I was not prepared for this. To have women approach me after an event and talk about how their experience with sex never included positive or affirming messages that showed their reality, was unexpected. My fellow sisters have cried, hugged me, and told me that my work spoke to them. For each of them, it was the first time they had felt that validation.
I took this information and decided to dig deep into what women had access to that spoke honestly about our experience with sex and sexuality. And, unfortunately, the landscape is a bit barren. As women we are surrounded by imagery, art, and content, that either avoid the topic completely, provide little to no depth about sexual themes and subjects that are real, or present inaccurate portrayals of female experiences with sex and sexuality. As I parsed through much of the erotic writing about women (usually by women), it relayed fantasy that often described fantastical expectations of what our bodies are capable of and what could be defined as pleasurable. How many of us can say that we have had an orgasm the first time we experienced penetration of any kind? Pornography, popular television, romantic comedies, censored social media, and others are all sending incomplete and sometimes false messages to women about their sex and sexuality. Leading to confusion and, worse, misinformation that creates negative expectations for all women and their current or potential partners.
It is why I chose this forum to urge women writers to do more to include sex and sexuality in their writings. It doesn’t all have to be erotic and it certainly doesn’t have to be positive if that doesn’t fit with your narrative. But, I would advocate for it to be real. We owe it to ourselves and to every female identifying person, to put sex on the table. Sex, as a topic, can be messy, complicated, and full of misinterpretation. Sex, as an activity, is equally messy, complicated, and full of misinterpretation. Pretending it doesn’t exist, doesn’t help us as women and certainly doesn’t help our readers.
So, I ask each of you to consider in your next short story, novel, essay, and even non-fiction piece to think about how you are approaching sex from a woman’s, or your character's, point of view. Write about it if it makes sense to do so. Make it a part of the narrative that we as women will establish for future generations so that they, and their partners, may have a more authentic and empowering view of what sex is, has been, or can be. What women say and do matters. And, as always, #RespectHerMind, #RespectHerBody, #RespectHerSex.
About Heather M
Heather M is a feminist, artist, and author as well as the founder of the Femme Project, an art effort addressing themes of femininity, sex and sexuality, and equality. Learn more about the work of the Femme Project at www.thefemmeproject.com.
She is the author of Madame X Book 1.1—the first in a series which follows the story of one woman's sexual self-discovery. The novella explores the realities and complexities of how women engage with sex. Sometimes seductive, sometimes provocative, Madame X Book 1.1 is a window into the female experience. To learn more about the book, check out the Madame X website at www.madamexstory.com where you can read excerpts, find where to buy, and attend events in your area related to the book.
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