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I was 17 years old when I first had sex. To be specific—sex defined as PIV or penis in vagina sex. It was a seemingly random decision made after a terrible experience at Junior Prom, perhaps as a way to rebound and fueled by the desire to be liked. The guy wasn’t my date. I don’t think he even went to prom.
During my first year of college, I dove head first into the social and cultural freedoms that on-campus living presented. Parties every weekend, and many on weekdays. Kegs on tap and cheap liquor flowing with the express purpose of getting impressionable female coeds drunk. There were a string of sexual experiences of questionable consent. In my second semester, I found myself alone, abandoned by my friends, in an off-campus fraternity house and plied with more alcohol. That night I was raped by a brother who belonged to that fraternity. The next year I transferred to a different university.
The thing these experiences have in common is my lack of sexual agency and information. I never spoke of the incidents to anyone until many years later. Shame, embarrassment, and self-loathing kept me from wanting to acknowledge, much less talk about, those terrible episodes. I was convinced they were my fault. That I was the person to blame. And those feelings would have a profound impact on the rest of my life.
Sex education under fire
Back in July, I read a New York Times article about how a small group of parents in conjunction with a handful of conservative news outlets, managed to force a well-respected sex educator out of her job as the Director of Health and Wellness for a privileged school in Manhattan. And it got me thinking. As young people return to school or begin their academic careers away from home for the first time, I can’t help but reflect on my experiences and wonder if they are ready. Will the information they received help them make the best choices for themselves when situations and questions of consent, pleasure, and sex inevitably come knocking at their door?
Let’s look at the facts
The facts are that studies (which are still too few in number, because they involve minors) tell us that sexual education that prioritizes safety, assertiveness, and desire may reduce rates of attempted rape and sexual coercion by 63% and 36% respectively. Planned Parenthood reports that only 24 states (and the District of Columbia) have mandated sex education programs for teens and adolescents. We are failing our youth and, more importantly, we are failing our young women. We are sending them into environments where they neither understand nor feel empowered to take control of their sex and sexuality. Leaving them open to situations that they are not prepared for. The education we receive is often implicit and unspoken—mixed messages inferred and distilled from sources like social media, film and television, as well as free internet porn. What were you wearing? Boys will be boys! Why didn't you say no? It is no wonder victims stay silent when every day in this country they are blaming themselves and being blamed for the criminal acts of sexual coercion, abuse, and violence done to them by others.
In the same study by Planned Parenthood above, 93% of parents want sex education for middle schoolers and 96% of parents want sex education for high school students. And yet, parents are still a big part of the impediment, despite the statistics that say otherwise. My parents never spoke to me about sex, puberty, or even my period. The sum total of sex education I received came from a picture book on the mechanics of intercourse and pregnancy during a second grade sleepover, and a very brief, perfunctory unit in middle school health class in the 90’s. The rest I pieced together through clumsy experiences and plenty of missteps. When a small, but vocal, group of parents conspire to shut down what research tells us can actually save women from experiences like mine, at some point we need to ask ourselves if those parents are even entitled to a seat at the table in this discussion.
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Sex education is education
In our collective upbringing, we have operated under the assumption that parents know what’s best for their children, except in the most extreme cases of abuse and neglect. There are no standards or measurements to hold parents accountable. You do not need a license, any training, or even basic educational requirements to be a parent. There are no evaluations on parents and parenting. Most parents will be in the role for a minimum of 18 years, if not longer—easily the longest and most important job they will perform in their entire lives. When it comes to preparing our young people to enter the world as adults, medically-accurate and comprehensive sex education is crucial to the health and well-being of all. When aspects of religion, personal politics, and shame impact the quality and content of sex education, our young people lose. Science backs this up. It’s not a personal choice thing … it’s a matter of life, and even death.
You wouldn't ask the Nobel prize winning physicist to change the brake pads on your Honda unless they had the credentials to back it up. It’s time for parents to get over themselves and shut the FUCK up about sex education in schools. Leave sex education to the educators.
